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Lady Inverse

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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2008|02:01 pm]
Lady Inverse
With the first day of classes looming less than seven days away, I feel I should catch myself up mentally and organize my thoughts. Wrapping my head around the idea of school seems like a very foreign concept right now, as I have grown so accustomed to not having a schedule or anything to do at all. Though as far as preparations go, I've only to drop a couple hundred dollars on books and I'm set for class, and as I am slowly draining my bank account with nothing to put back in, this is a valid concern and something I am putting off as long as possible.

The move from Cumming went smoothly as can be expected, has cost me at least what I anticipated it would, and is in fact still costing me. Though, I think I may have finally reached a place where I am satisfied with my living space. My room here is small, though not any smaller than my room at my parents', yet very open as there is a windowed door to the back porch. The closet is a roomy french-door affair that I have managed to organize fairly effectively despite the odd arrangement of shelves, and it's actually quite pretty. Due to the odd placement and size of the doors and windows, it was difficult to situate the furniture, but I really like how it has turned out. I have an espresso colored double bed with a side table and a three-drawer dresser from Ikea, that match the set in my bedroom in Cumming. My bed runs along the south wall, parallel to the door frame (which as of yet has no door in it) decorated with a pink and brown flower pattern from Target, and the dresser is directly opposite of the bed between the door frame and the closet. Next to my dresser there is a stacked, light wood cube shelf from Target in which I keep my various treasures (potpourri, jewelry box, dried flowers, etc.). My tv, which I had originally intended to stay at home, found its way up here and is now on top of the dresser. It turns out that I now need constant background noise, and human voices are more soothing to me than music, perhaps because I am alone most of the time now. Anyway, moving on, my desk is along the same wall as my bed, in the opposite corner next to the outside door, and it is painted cream, gray, and pink to match my curtains of the same flower/vine motif as my bed. My brown rug is between the desk and the closet, its chocolatey shade a nice complement to the lighter oak wood floor. Between the outside door and the window I have placed a low, dark brown shelf which I intend to use as a shrine of sorts, a place where I can meditate, burn incense, diffuse essential oils, pull Faery Oracle cards, etc. I have the walls hung with my various Mucha posters and other artworks of personal significance. The room is warm and bright and a good reflection of my personality, good enough to call home.

I have also made some improvements to the rest of the house, but one can only do so much with what one is given, and that I have done. The rest can come out of someone else's pockets.

No luck to speak of finding a job, though I haven't stopped trying. I really am running out of ideas now, however, and I'm getting quite worried. Angry is a better word, actually. I'm really, fucking angry that no one will hire me while idiots all over are being handed jobs simply because they've spent the last five years doling out meat nuggets at McBaked Potato and are able to call that "significant experience." If no one will hire you if you have no experience, and the only way to gain experience is to be hired, what the hell do you do? I refuse to debase myself and waste my intellect by working at Taco Bell, though they probably wouldn't think I was qualified either. So, I haven't a fucking clue what to do now.

My anxiety has been at a steady level three for the past month, with several jumps to seven or eight, sometimes even nine, occuring weekly. It's hard to stay properly nourished when you're constantly nauseated, so now my health is probably my number one concern right now. By no means am I wasting away, but there's that constant uncomfortability that seems to say "Hey, remember food? Wasn't it great?" I feel anxious about almost anything, though the big triggers are people I don't want to see, being sick, and theatre. Theatre, as in, not wanting to do it anymore; the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. I've always seen theatre as therapy, something my anxiety doesn't apply to. Not anymore. Maybe it's because I'm really, truly growing up, or perhaps because I'm so tired of being worried to the point of illness over everything, but all I really want for my life now is peace. Something uncomplicated and less emotionally demanding. I don't want the pressure anymore. What I would really, truly love is to move somewhere far away from any grandparents, St. Augustine or seomwehere equally as quaint, and open my own New Age gift shop. No more theatre. The trouble is, I'm halfway through earning a B.A. in just that subject, and I'm obligated to be in whatever productions the faculty care to have me in. And I'm just unfortunately good enough to at least be a chorus girl...the last thing I want to do. But for now, there are no other options, and will have to endure. Hopefully being back on a schedule will occupy my mind enough to keep me sane, and I intend to throw myself into my school work to sufficiently distract myself. Somehow, I'm sure, everything will be ok, despite what my subconscious tells me.

In my Oracle reading today (which I did just now, in fact) I pulled The Dark Lady reversed, The Singer of Transfiguration, and The Maiden. The Lady's position reflects what is behind me, what I am emerging from. She indicates a fixation with the outer world, and thus a neglect of the inner. She speaks to me of letting go of my petty worries, of grief, and of unecessary suffering. She is there to help us move forward through the dark, leaving behind what is troubling us. I see her presence as a reassurance of my decision to leave the theatre, however far away that may be. Next to her is The Singer of Transfiguration, a sign of the end of a struggle. The Singer is here to lift my spirits, to tell me the battle is ending, that joy is within my grasp. I feel lucky to have drawn this card now, as I am thinking of the changes in my life. The Maiden is last, and she is pure joy. Her presence has me looking forward to happiness and rebirth, a second youth, as she represents all things that are new and young. All three of my cards today have wings, and I feel very secure in this, knowing that I am supported by my family, and that I am learning to support myself.
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Breaking Dawn raped me. [Aug. 2nd, 2008|08:31 pm]
Lady Inverse
I went to Barnes and Noble at nine o'clock last night. The line was abfuckingsurd, so Kayla and I trekked over to Gainesville, picked us up a Will Bradley, and returned at eleven to said bookstore. We waited patiently as the fervor for this ridiculous vampire book grew to epic levels amongst the abundant tweens. We wrote rude things in the guest book. We ruthlessly made fun of our fellow, much less discreet, sexy vampire fans. We stood in line again; we left the store at 12:30, with beautiful, crisp new copies of the much anticipated books clutched in our expectantly sweaty palms. I was home by 1:30, by 3:30 I was a third through what promised to be one wild ride. From 10 AM to 8 pm I read the rest of the 800 page novel, and now the only thing I have to say is....Fuck. Fuck that book for emotionally raping me all over the place. Fuck Stephenie Meyers for coming up with the stupidest name anyone could possibly conceive of, but still plucking my heart strings like fucking Yo-Yo Ma. Fuck vampires, for not actually existing and therefore lacking the potential to make me one, the scumbags. And fuck my life, for never, EVER possessing the capabilities to come even CLOSE to being as beautiful and perfect as the lives of the characters in that damn book.

And fuck it all for being over.
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2008|07:52 pm]
Lady Inverse
Two weeks from tomorrow I will be leaving my house FOREVER!! Hopefully forever...

We are planning on IKEAing Monday, very exciting. I hope the result is pleasing and that I end up with a gorgeous and comfy room. I hope to spruce up the house a little bit, make it a tad cooler than it is now, but I can't say for sure I'll have that kind of power yet. My parents are offering the black corner sectional and the tv in the basement for free, I'll just have to convince Will to get rid of the crappy furniture he has in there now.

I've been watching the new Slayers series, and it's pretty indeed. I wish the plot were a bit more unique, but oh well. It's too early to pass any harsh judgement yet, I say.

Lately I have been pondering alternate career choices, seeing as theatre is tough and stressful, and I'm at a point now where I don't think I want that kind of life. I'd like something more Bohemian and relaxing, something you don't have to pound the pavement so hard for and provides considerably steadier income. I think I'd definitely like to move to St. Augustine. Things are slower there, and it's warmer, and it's the beach, and I've loved it since before I can remember. It would take very little getting used to, and I could make a home there that I would love. I've thought about maybe opening my own little New Age shop, learning to make jewelry and sell it there, or maybe become a Ghost Tour guide, dress up every night and tell scary stories. Or I could do all of those things. I feel like I have a lot to learn if I want to open a business, though, as a theatre degree does not really cover those kinds of ventures. I guess I'll have to think about it for the next two years.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2008|01:46 pm]
Lady Inverse
The deal finally went through for the house in Gainesville!!! The one near Brenau, that is. So I have a place to live next year that is not a dorm! All I have to do is the paperwork with Brenau and it will be 100% official. Then I have to get a job, though I'm not moving until August 10th so I'm not going to worry too much about it until then.

But I'm so relieved to have that taken care of at last. It makes my life so much easier. And my parents are going to get me furniture from Ikea that goes with the set in my bedroom here, which is awesome because when I move out for good I can have the full set to take with me. Yay.
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2008|10:13 pm]
Lady Inverse
-Went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Blockbuster today, and I'm thinking I might get a job from one of those places. Preferrably Blockbuster. Free movies, what what!
-Also emailed financial aid to make sure that I would indeed recieve the $1200 in extra financial aid were I to live off-campus. Still have not been in contact with the landlord of the house yet, but hopefully she will turn her phone on in the next few days.
-My computer broke AGAIN. It keeps doing the same damn thing, and I'm getting rather frustrated with it. It is back at my uncle's house, hopefully getting fixed.
-My sister is showing my dad Squidbillies. They think it's funny. I'm upset about this.
-The summer may or may not be taking a turn for the better in the next week.

We shall see.
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Jobs I have applied for thus far: [Jul. 9th, 2008|11:59 am]
Lady Inverse
-Blockbuster (4 locations)
-Barnes & Noble (2 locations)
-CVS (2 locations)
-Walgreens (2 locations)
-Panera Bread
-AMC Movie Theatre (the avenue)
-Old Navy (3 locations)
-Simple Strands
-Nordstrom Rack
-Walden Books
-Smoothie King
-Petsmart (2 locations)
-Shane's Rib Shack
-Best Buy (3 locations)

32 total

Places at which I've inquired:
-Limited Too
-Bed, Bath, & Beyond
-Pier 1 Imports
-Atlanta Bread Company

10 total
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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2008|08:46 pm]
Lady Inverse
To show how utterly stoked I am for the new movie, I made some HP icons. Woohoo! My default was taken from the picture that is now my wallpaper, too.


EDIT: I changed the icon and used my desktop wallpaper for the background. Now he is intensly gazing at my every word...I loves the Potter...
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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2008|11:54 am]
Lady Inverse
Sometimes I have so many intricate, important thoughts that I want to put into words, but I can't elaborate on them to make them seem relevant. I think I'll call that not having good writing skills.

I saw Wall-E yesterday and was blown away by cuteness. That was the most adorable thing I have ever witnessed EVER. Better than Ratatouille, even.

Last night (or rather, this morning, since I just woke up from it) I had a crazy cool dream. It was Harry Potter themed, and it was set at my Grandmother's old house. It was like the final battle, and the Death Eaters were coming with Voldemort to get me and everthing, so Hermione and Ron devised this plan to disguise me (well, Harry) as one of the Voldemort supporters and take cover in this big party with lost of people. The only people who knew I was there were Ron, Hermione, and the Death Eaters. And I didn't have my wand for some reason, so I was totally defenseless when they came. At first everything was cool, it was kind of like a ball, actually. Alumni from each house of Hogwarts put on a little show, so of course I had to be in the Slytherin one and didn't know what the hell I was doing. People started asking questions and being suspicious, so I bolted. I hid in my Grandmother's closet, but of course Voldemort found me and had his Death Eaters tie me up and Cruciate me and stuff. Then they made one of the Death Eaters look sort of like me and go back to the party to act like me. Nobody at the ball knew it was a fake Harry, except Ron and Hermione, but they had to go up and hug the fake one and act like nothing was wrong anyway. It was really sad. Meanwhile, Voldemort has cast an invisibility spell on me so no one can find me, bad choice. I escape somehow and am running around amidst Death Eaters, who all want to kill me, and trying to find somewhere to hide. Did I mention I was wearing a ball gown? Yeah, it didn't seem strange at the time, since I'm a girl and would love to be in danger wearing a beautiful gown, but looking back it seems strange that HP would be. Anyway, I am hiding and eveything is relatively fine, when I hear RO]on and Hermione screaming from below. They have been captured for questioning and, of course, torture, so I have to go help them. The invisibility spell is wearing off, and Death Eaters are still looking for me, so I have to be extra careful and stealthy to get down to the dungeon (in my Gramother's house?? oh well). I make it down somehow, not without attracting some attention, though, so I have Death Eaters tailing me. I arrive in the dungeon to see Voldemort threatening to hurt Hermione if she doesn't tell him where I am. He is about to cast a nasty spell on her when I yell out for him to stop. I throw myself onto Hermione to shield her from his curse, so he simply starts casting Sectumsempra over and over onto my exposed back, like a whip. Needless to say, the scene was heartbreaking: Harry Potter huddled over a cowering Hermione, being whipped like a bitch by Voldemort, while Ron watches defenseless from the corner, and the whole time Voldy and the Death Eaters are laughing their heads off with pleasure. That's what I woke up from, and it was really fucking depressing. Not to mention stressful and a little dissapointing. Wouldn't it be cool if HP were really that twisted??
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2008|12:04 am]
Lady Inverse
O. M. G. If I live off-campus next year I get PAID over $1,000 in fincancial aid, as opposed to PAYING almost that much!!!! Holy clap! I'm so doing it, yeah!!!!!
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2008|05:49 pm]
Lady Inverse
I know I said I wouldn't dwell on the past, but since we've been getting ready for the yard sale tomorrow I've had to sort through all of my "memory" boxes, in which I keep artwork and awards and programs for plays I've been in and pictures and whatnot. It's kind of forced me to really reflect on the past six years of my life, since I started high school. And since I cleared out this journal, I haven't been able to help but think about the kind of person I was.

It's weird, looking back at the things I thought and said when I was...younger. I always thought of myself as mature and intelligent and "gifted," but the fact is that I was a very misguided little girl with anxiety issues and extremely low self-esteem, who had no clue how to deal with my issues. And because of that, I made a lot of bad choices. I mean, really shitty and lame choices. I hurt myself and I hurt others for the sake of being liked and accepted, when all I really wanted was to feel validated as a person and as an actor, and have what I considered a "normal teenage life." It just baffles me now to think that I actually lived the way I did, just miserable all the time.

When I was friends with Tiffani, I just remember being sick and worried almost constantly. And I fucked up because I should have had the insight to come out and say "I have a problem. I can't live normally like this. I need help." Instead, I freaked out and internalized my fear and covered it up with lies. I lied to my best friends on a regular basis, made up excuses, avoided their calls, avoided them. Of course, they too had problems that were beyond their control, which I was fully aware of. Perhaps if I had cried out for help as much as they did we could have supported each other, but all I wanted was to NOT have problems and to NOT have to deal with anyone else's problems. I may have used being popular as an excuse, but I was really just terrified of what I was having to deal with. Looking back, I realize that I must have thought distancing myself from Tiffani and Amy would make my anxiety go away, as if they and their needs were the direct root of my illness. Well, considering that I still have anxiety attacks without warning and want to throw up every time I leave the house, I guess I was wrong.

I'm glad that Amy and I can talk again, though I know we'll never be half as close as we were. That's okay with me; she has her life, which I'm glad to hear is pretty good now, and I have mine, which is getting better. It's doubtful that Tiffani and I will ever reconnect, though. I think we hurt each other way too much. That's just a mistake I had to learn from...
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