||[Aug. 19th, 2008|02:01 pm]
With the first day of classes looming less than seven days away, I feel I should catch myself up mentally and organize my thoughts. Wrapping my head around the idea of school seems like a very foreign concept right now, as I have grown so accustomed to not having a schedule or anything to do at all. Though as far as preparations go, I've only to drop a couple hundred dollars on books and I'm set for class, and as I am slowly draining my bank account with nothing to put back in, this is a valid concern and something I am putting off as long as possible. |
The move from Cumming went smoothly as can be expected, has cost me at least what I anticipated it would, and is in fact still costing me. Though, I think I may have finally reached a place where I am satisfied with my living space. My room here is small, though not any smaller than my room at my parents', yet very open as there is a windowed door to the back porch. The closet is a roomy french-door affair that I have managed to organize fairly effectively despite the odd arrangement of shelves, and it's actually quite pretty. Due to the odd placement and size of the doors and windows, it was difficult to situate the furniture, but I really like how it has turned out. I have an espresso colored double bed with a side table and a three-drawer dresser from Ikea, that match the set in my bedroom in Cumming. My bed runs along the south wall, parallel to the door frame (which as of yet has no door in it) decorated with a pink and brown flower pattern from Target, and the dresser is directly opposite of the bed between the door frame and the closet. Next to my dresser there is a stacked, light wood cube shelf from Target in which I keep my various treasures (potpourri, jewelry box, dried flowers, etc.). My tv, which I had originally intended to stay at home, found its way up here and is now on top of the dresser. It turns out that I now need constant background noise, and human voices are more soothing to me than music, perhaps because I am alone most of the time now. Anyway, moving on, my desk is along the same wall as my bed, in the opposite corner next to the outside door, and it is painted cream, gray, and pink to match my curtains of the same flower/vine motif as my bed. My brown rug is between the desk and the closet, its chocolatey shade a nice complement to the lighter oak wood floor. Between the outside door and the window I have placed a low, dark brown shelf which I intend to use as a shrine of sorts, a place where I can meditate, burn incense, diffuse essential oils, pull Faery Oracle cards, etc. I have the walls hung with my various Mucha posters and other artworks of personal significance. The room is warm and bright and a good reflection of my personality, good enough to call home.
I have also made some improvements to the rest of the house, but one can only do so much with what one is given, and that I have done. The rest can come out of someone else's pockets.
No luck to speak of finding a job, though I haven't stopped trying. I really am running out of ideas now, however, and I'm getting quite worried. Angry is a better word, actually. I'm really, fucking angry that no one will hire me while idiots all over are being handed jobs simply because they've spent the last five years doling out meat nuggets at McBaked Potato and are able to call that "significant experience." If no one will hire you if you have no experience, and the only way to gain experience is to be hired, what the hell do you do? I refuse to debase myself and waste my intellect by working at Taco Bell, though they probably wouldn't think I was qualified either. So, I haven't a fucking clue what to do now.
My anxiety has been at a steady level three for the past month, with several jumps to seven or eight, sometimes even nine, occuring weekly. It's hard to stay properly nourished when you're constantly nauseated, so now my health is probably my number one concern right now. By no means am I wasting away, but there's that constant uncomfortability that seems to say "Hey, remember food? Wasn't it great?" I feel anxious about almost anything, though the big triggers are people I don't want to see, being sick, and theatre. Theatre, as in, not wanting to do it anymore; the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. I've always seen theatre as therapy, something my anxiety doesn't apply to. Not anymore. Maybe it's because I'm really, truly growing up, or perhaps because I'm so tired of being worried to the point of illness over everything, but all I really want for my life now is peace. Something uncomplicated and less emotionally demanding. I don't want the pressure anymore. What I would really, truly love is to move somewhere far away from any grandparents, St. Augustine or seomwehere equally as quaint, and open my own New Age gift shop. No more theatre. The trouble is, I'm halfway through earning a B.A. in just that subject, and I'm obligated to be in whatever productions the faculty care to have me in. And I'm just unfortunately good enough to at least be a chorus girl...the last thing I want to do. But for now, there are no other options, and will have to endure. Hopefully being back on a schedule will occupy my mind enough to keep me sane, and I intend to throw myself into my school work to sufficiently distract myself. Somehow, I'm sure, everything will be ok, despite what my subconscious tells me.
In my Oracle reading today (which I did just now, in fact) I pulled The Dark Lady reversed, The Singer of Transfiguration, and The Maiden. The Lady's position reflects what is behind me, what I am emerging from. She indicates a fixation with the outer world, and thus a neglect of the inner. She speaks to me of letting go of my petty worries, of grief, and of unecessary suffering. She is there to help us move forward through the dark, leaving behind what is troubling us. I see her presence as a reassurance of my decision to leave the theatre, however far away that may be. Next to her is The Singer of Transfiguration, a sign of the end of a struggle. The Singer is here to lift my spirits, to tell me the battle is ending, that joy is within my grasp. I feel lucky to have drawn this card now, as I am thinking of the changes in my life. The Maiden is last, and she is pure joy. Her presence has me looking forward to happiness and rebirth, a second youth, as she represents all things that are new and young. All three of my cards today have wings, and I feel very secure in this, knowing that I am supported by my family, and that I am learning to support myself.